Blade Trinity
You know? Jessica Biel is hot. The chick in Blade 2 was better, but Biel comes close. And that's absolutely the only thing about this wretched pile of regurgitated shit that can even remotely compare to Blade 2. I mean, holy fucking hell- Blade one was a rotting heap of steaming turds, but at least it had the nightclub massacre. This iteration doesn't even have a halfway passable scene; Hack extraordinaire David Goyer, apparently livid that someone actually did a halfway decent sequel to his shitty breakthrough, got away from the Peruvian retreat where he spent his days getting raped by Croatian sailors and directed the third installment. And you know what? Yeah, you do. It Fucking Reeks.
Phew. Glad to get that off my chest. Where was I? oh, yeah- this coprophiliac's wet and squishy dream...
This is the kind of flick where ridiculous looking people stride in slow motion while ominous electronica beeps in the background, and Wesley Snipes is lovingly fetish-ized from every possible angle. Jessica Biel's ass, or rather, the other end, slowly puts on her I-pod earphones while someone explains that she's building her own custom soundtracks for the ensuing battle. There is some fairly funny running commentary by an idiot that goes by the name of Hannibal King (god, I hate comics) that almost makes things worthwhile- I mean, if there's something that Blade movies practically beg for, is to have the piss taken out of them. But as funny as a remark about vampire Pomeranian dogs may be, what can you honestly say about a movie idiotic enough to actually feature a fucking Pomeranian dog-vampire hybrid?
I don't even need to go into the characters. They suck ass, period. And about the wafer thin mess that dares call itself a plot... for fuck's sake. Let me go into it for a bit:
Blade gets framed with murder after a laughable action sequence (just, you know, because he killed a guy... life's a bitch that way). His mentor dies in the police raid that ensues after making it quite clear he's a father figure and that he disapproves of Blade's grumpy ways. And Blade is captured. Oh, some ridiculous looking vampires also free dracula from a tomb in Irak before that. They apparently want him to enforce some sort of final vampire solution. Jessica Biel's ass makes a random appearance and kills some vampires in a poorly choreographed fight. Meanwhile the Vampires show up at police HQ, where Blade is held, to take him off to… oh hell, I don’t know- one would think they would be happy to finish him off there and then. Anyhow, a Dork and Jessica Biel’s ass show up and rescue Blade in a particularly shitty sequence (Noticing a pattern here?). Now, let me stress that this one’s particularly excruciating; not only is it poorly edited, unimaginative and, well, unexciting, but the stunts that are pulled off are head-slappingly stupid. Better get used to it. Anyhow-
A lot of pointless exposition follows, Blade makes some new friends in a group of vampire hunters, but he acts all angry and mean. That’s just because he’s really afraid of getting hurt, you see- fear is the opposite of love. Patrick Swaize taught me that. Dracula meanwhile walks around, looking all mean in a very gay outfit tailored to show off his bare pecs; He kills a couple of Goths and hangs out, basically. You know, for being such a powerful final solution, he does an awful lot of petty errands. Who does he do them for? Glad you asked! We now come to some of the most pathetic, loser bad guys I’ve ever seen. A girl with hair almost half as high as her head and that walks around as if her tampon is sliding out (and tends to do so in slow motion, you know, to pad the movie out even more), and an effete, Armani-wearing undead yuppie. Oh yeah, immortal evil indeed. So they get Dracula to kill a bunch of Blade’s new buddies and kidnap the dork and a little girl. This, of course, sets up the spectacularly underwhelming final sequence when Blade and Jessica Biel’s ass (looking lovely in very tight-fitting leather pants) where friends are rescued, a vampire killing virus is unleashed, and Drake is killed in a very ho-hum fashion. The upshot of this is that David Goyer will likely never be offered to direct an action flick again. Huzzah!
At some point during this drivel, the Final Solution is revealed- turns out, it’s a Coma rip-off: racks and racks of human vegetables, from whom blood is harvested instead of organs. How is this a Final Solution? And how the fuck does this relate to Dracula? Well, your guess is as good as mine. And here’s my guess: it doesn’t, because David Goyer holds our intelligence in such contempt that he didn’t even bother writing a half-assed plot. I mean, for fuck’s sake! People often ask me why I get so worked up over shitty movies, but let me ask you this: this motherfucking bastard is shitting on us and laughing all the while, and all I'm supposed to do is open my mouth?
I would immediately join any religion that promised swift and painful death to these talentless hacks. And Goyer, you’re way fucking up in the list.
Phew. Glad to get that off my chest. Where was I? oh, yeah- this coprophiliac's wet and squishy dream...
This is the kind of flick where ridiculous looking people stride in slow motion while ominous electronica beeps in the background, and Wesley Snipes is lovingly fetish-ized from every possible angle. Jessica Biel's ass, or rather, the other end, slowly puts on her I-pod earphones while someone explains that she's building her own custom soundtracks for the ensuing battle. There is some fairly funny running commentary by an idiot that goes by the name of Hannibal King (god, I hate comics) that almost makes things worthwhile- I mean, if there's something that Blade movies practically beg for, is to have the piss taken out of them. But as funny as a remark about vampire Pomeranian dogs may be, what can you honestly say about a movie idiotic enough to actually feature a fucking Pomeranian dog-vampire hybrid?
I don't even need to go into the characters. They suck ass, period. And about the wafer thin mess that dares call itself a plot... for fuck's sake. Let me go into it for a bit:
Blade gets framed with murder after a laughable action sequence (just, you know, because he killed a guy... life's a bitch that way). His mentor dies in the police raid that ensues after making it quite clear he's a father figure and that he disapproves of Blade's grumpy ways. And Blade is captured. Oh, some ridiculous looking vampires also free dracula from a tomb in Irak before that. They apparently want him to enforce some sort of final vampire solution. Jessica Biel's ass makes a random appearance and kills some vampires in a poorly choreographed fight. Meanwhile the Vampires show up at police HQ, where Blade is held, to take him off to… oh hell, I don’t know- one would think they would be happy to finish him off there and then. Anyhow, a Dork and Jessica Biel’s ass show up and rescue Blade in a particularly shitty sequence (Noticing a pattern here?). Now, let me stress that this one’s particularly excruciating; not only is it poorly edited, unimaginative and, well, unexciting, but the stunts that are pulled off are head-slappingly stupid. Better get used to it. Anyhow-
A lot of pointless exposition follows, Blade makes some new friends in a group of vampire hunters, but he acts all angry and mean. That’s just because he’s really afraid of getting hurt, you see- fear is the opposite of love. Patrick Swaize taught me that. Dracula meanwhile walks around, looking all mean in a very gay outfit tailored to show off his bare pecs; He kills a couple of Goths and hangs out, basically. You know, for being such a powerful final solution, he does an awful lot of petty errands. Who does he do them for? Glad you asked! We now come to some of the most pathetic, loser bad guys I’ve ever seen. A girl with hair almost half as high as her head and that walks around as if her tampon is sliding out (and tends to do so in slow motion, you know, to pad the movie out even more), and an effete, Armani-wearing undead yuppie. Oh yeah, immortal evil indeed. So they get Dracula to kill a bunch of Blade’s new buddies and kidnap the dork and a little girl. This, of course, sets up the spectacularly underwhelming final sequence when Blade and Jessica Biel’s ass (looking lovely in very tight-fitting leather pants) where friends are rescued, a vampire killing virus is unleashed, and Drake is killed in a very ho-hum fashion. The upshot of this is that David Goyer will likely never be offered to direct an action flick again. Huzzah!
At some point during this drivel, the Final Solution is revealed- turns out, it’s a Coma rip-off: racks and racks of human vegetables, from whom blood is harvested instead of organs. How is this a Final Solution? And how the fuck does this relate to Dracula? Well, your guess is as good as mine. And here’s my guess: it doesn’t, because David Goyer holds our intelligence in such contempt that he didn’t even bother writing a half-assed plot. I mean, for fuck’s sake! People often ask me why I get so worked up over shitty movies, but let me ask you this: this motherfucking bastard is shitting on us and laughing all the while, and all I'm supposed to do is open my mouth?
I would immediately join any religion that promised swift and painful death to these talentless hacks. And Goyer, you’re way fucking up in the list.
3 Comments:
Coincido en que la segunda peli fue mejor. El tarado del que hablás es Hannibal King, no Solomon King. Goyer puede ser tarado, pero no creo lo mismo de Marv Wolfman ni de Gene Colan (aunque creo que no leí nada de este último).
Oops, gracias. Arreglado.
Con respecto a los autores del comic, sospecho que estaria en desacuerdo, pero eso es mas una cuestion de que no me gusta el medio. Igual por lo que me han dicho, ninguna de las peliculas guarda la mas remota semejanza con los comics
Yo no lo decía por la trama de la peli sino por el nombre del personaje. O sea, creo que Goyer puede haberle puesto un nombre así a un personaje pero no creo lo mismo de los creadores de Blade. No leí ningún comic de blade, pero se que el personaje nació en plena blaxplotation (o como se escriba), así que es de esperarse que no haya relación alguna entre comic y film.
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