Van Helsing (Movie Review)

Stephen Sommers has finally used up whatever goodwill he gained for himself with the original Mummy. Dumb, crass beyond belief and cheap (even when wearing it's multimillion budget on its sleeve), Van Helsing fails even on its own terms, lazily throwing money away hoping to wow viewers into forgetting just how lousy it is.
Jumping from misbegotten idea to trite cliché to misbegotten idea, the action follows famed monster hunter Van Helsing (employed by the church's equivalent of the men in black) as he fights most of the classic Universal Monsters and works against their nefarious conspiracy to bring back to life ringleader Dracula's dead children. It's a ridiculous, inane premise, unfortunately unenlivened by any shade of humor or wit; while tongue-in-cheek is hinted at as early as in the opening scene (at least it could explain some of the overacting and atrocious dialogues) the director apparently opted to cut time writing the script and use it adding in new CG effects, leaving the movie's less serious side relegated to one-liners and failed attempts.
Like the awful (but much better) the Mummy Returns, Sommers tackles this one with a 'more is better' approach, tossing quality control out the window. CG is overused all throughout, often making the proceeds look more like the world's most expensive puppet show than an action/adventure flick. Even the better effects and set pieces usually collapse under their own weight after a while... The whole movie feels as if you were looking over the shoulder of someone playing a Playstation 2 game. Which seems to be a depressingly common -not to mention commercially desirable- trait these days.
The acting ranges from mediocre to incredibly bad, but it's easy to fault the script and the director for it. Characterization? inexistent, except for the barest nods to Hollywood formula. The designs look expensive and unimaginative. The music fares a bit better, though nothing to write home about.
In the end, for all its desperate antics and breakneck pacing, this movie never quite fools you into enjoying it. For all its speed, it will never outrun the smell of stale crap. To watch how a good fantasy/action movie can be made with the same formula, go watch the Mummy on video, or wait for the inexplicably delayed Hellboy.

It does have some redeeming points, however: It lacks the pretentiousness of last year's League of the Extraordinary Gentlemen. Kate Beckinsdale's tight pants are in it (also appearing as one of the few redeeming points in last year's Underworld). Hugh Jackman, for the girls. And, of course, Richard Roxburgh's horrendous overacting as Dracula... it's not quite bad enough to be good, but getting there.