The Punisher

 Note from future me: Holy shit, I was exceptionally homophobic for this one... sorry about that.
 I was on the verge of deleting it, because, well, no excuses, it's pretty dire, and not just in the basic humanity side of things - it really is a terrible write-up - but I'm leaving this one up because I do think I was right in that this is movie is extremely homoerotic, and in a weird way; it's not as if all the camp is a theme or anything, unless it's commenting on action movies... which might well be, but the movie didn't seem remotely smart enough to do. Maybe I'd need to watch it again, but... nah.

Undercover cop makes one last bust, retires, and goes to enjoy life with his family. Bad, unconvincing bad guys kill his family and him. Or not? Cop survives due to the mysterious powers of plot convenience. He then goes on to get revenge. While this setup would prepare you for an extremely bad movie (and it is), you hardly would expect much in the way of homosexual content... (or maybe you would, it is called The Punisher after all). Oh, but there is. This movie is gayer than Top Gun... hell, it's gayer than Hot throbbing Sailor Bumfucks XVII Let's get the least important stuff out of the way. It sucks as an action movie. It's poorly choreographed, has no imagination at all, and there is no pathos because the characters are all poorly thought out cartoons. In fact it bears honorable mention because it's Bad Enough to Be Good; I have already commented on just how rare these are, and the Punisher would be noteworthy only for that distinction. There's a scene with a close up of the main character's face, while flashbacks play as fade ins. There are reaction shots to supporting... well, actors, making faces that in a fair world would count as major criminal offenses. There is the ultimate mark of a hack action movie: the training sequence. Clumsy exposition and idiotically quirky characters. This one covers all the bases, and has absolutely no talent to back it up. So what about the gay part? what indeed. Here's a short list of highlights: * There is a (lame) explanation for this next sequence, but frankly, it stinks, and this movie doesn't deserve a break. So: at one point The Punisher 'tortures' a man by removing his shirt, tying him up, hanging him upside down... and rubbing a popsicle on his back. I wish I was making this shit up. The sequence ends whith the popsicle shoved in the guy's mouth. I hope you swallow. * A guy enters the dive where The Punisher is having breakfast. This guy looks seriously gay- painted fingernails, and making faces at our manly hero- everything short of blowing kisses. So, he opens his guitar case... and pulls out... a guitar. And Serenades him. All the while, they cast longing, smoldering gazes at each other. Sizzling, baby! Oh, and his name is Harry Heck. Pffft. * A girl touches our hero, and he flinches away. We're talking a seriously hot girl here. Later, she all but offers a blowjob. His response? "I'm not what you're looking for". Ostensibly, a heterosexual man. * Another hired killer looks like a reject from the Village people. He wears a tight striped shirt, and is strongly reminiscent of either a sailor or a circus strongman. Name: the Russian. The fight is long and arduous; I'm not normally one to say that fight scenes are stand ins for sex scenes, but this one would be a good case for that point of view. * What would Charles Bronson do if you offed his family? he'd kill you, your family, and your dog, painfully. And then he'd invent time travel to kill you all over again. What does The Punisher do? he comes up with a ludicrously convoluted, implausible plan to get his nemesis to kill his wife and his best friend, just so he can dramatically uncover his manipulations just before the final kill. Hell hath no fury like a Gorgeous Dreamboat Queen scorned. * Talking about killing the bad guy- they embrace, and he stabs him repeatedly... the camera emphasizes the powerful thrusts, and Travolta says over and over in a breathy (and whiny, but that's his normal tone) voice "you're killing me". His tone lies somewhere between pain and ecstasy. All this peppered with loving shots of well chiseled abs and sweaty male torsos, and none-too-subtle innuendo. I am serious here, this movie is Gay Paradise. And I'm also serious when I say I enjoyed every minute of it. This is pure, unadulterated, grade A shit here, and it had me laughing almost non-stop. Unintentional comedy indeed.