Make no mistake about it. Spielberg has just taken a huge, steaming, putrid, diarrheic dump on us all again. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I paid to see it. Or the fact that I was surprised at how, well, shitty it is, given his recent (ahem) output. And -this bugs me the most- the fact that I actually consider a few scenes in the movie (adding up to less than 5% of the total runtime) almost worth the price of admission.
Mr Spielberg has a long history of appealing to the lowest common denominator. A populist in the worst sense of the word, there is nothing this guy won't do to make people like his flicks; Problem is, as time goes on, his "look! I'm making Movie Magic!" seems more and more forced, more calculating. It was bad enough when, say, it dragged down what would have been one of the very few true science fiction movies in recent memory, but when it gets in the way of shit blowing up on a straight action/suspense sci-fi flick, well, it's somehow even more depressing.
Tom Cruise is horribly miscast as an ordinary Joe, a crappy father and an all-around asshole who must save his estranged sons and, of course, gain back their affection and respect. Problem is, he's a horribly bi-dimensional prick, and holds no interest whatsoever. Even if he wasn't obviously unfit for the role and so horribly underwritten, the contrivances the script forces the family through do more to separate their struggle from any semblance of reality than the freaking 30 meter-high aliens. We're talking seriously stupid shit here, and that's even before the plot holes kick in.
People get killed left and right (except for Tom and his family, because, well, Spielberg is not about to shake the formula), and it soon becomes clear that the only possible course is survival. So they set out for Boston, to drop off the kids at the divorced mother's house. By the end the US army (with the help of Tom and the germs) is able to kick the Alien's asses.
There's no scene too lame, no image too trite for Spielberg in his quest for Movie Magic! When the alien walker pod gets licked, you can bet a limp alien hand is going to hang dramatically from an opening just so someone can prod it. You can count on the precocious moppet to spout wisdom when dramatically appropiate (when the script isn't making her act like Yoda, she's actually pretty convincing- especially when she freaks out). The son, who sacrifices himself heroically (and meaninglessly, and stupidly) in a thermonuclear pyrotechnics display, obviously survives and makes it to the manipulative, tear-jerking finale. Not only does the director insult your intelligence, he also fucks its mother and then leaves dimes on the table. And what about plausibility? Turns out that in a mob of a few hundred people (in the frigging US of A), there are only two guns! What the fuck? All the cars go dead at the same time, and Tom boy in full hero mode, points out exactly how to fix it to a professional mechanic after thinking about it for exactly two seconds. He is then able to drive a car through highways filled with stopped vehicles- before getting EMPd, it seems, they decided to leave a path open just in case the lead actors decided to head that way... fuck this shit. There's barely a scene that does not seem artificial, stupid, ill conceived, or manipulative. Most are all of the above.
So, in spite of the above, I'm still ambivalent about having wasted my money on it. Janusz Kaminski's cinematography is beautiful, as always. And while I would probably kick Spielberg in the teeth if I had the chance, I have to recognize that as a visual storyteller, he's a master. The way he moves the camera makes it easy to ignore the awful shit that's transpiring, even when said camera movements are completely extraneous. When things get rolling... well, frustratingly enough, there are only three full 'action' sequences in the whole movie, but they are nearly worth the price of admission, along with some surrealistic scenes along the way. If you can do without seeing this kind of thing on the big screen, all the more power to you; I wish I could, it would probably save me from an early ulcer. Everything between the SFX scenes is an absolute waste of time (my advice? leave the cinema after the ferry sinks).
One more thing. It might be the disgust this movie generated while I was watching, but- the first alien attacks are beyond a doubt heavily based on the footage from 9/11 (Spielberg, in his quest to manipulate, must still be jerking off in self-congratulation on that one). So it made my hackles rise when the aliens don't just die by themselves, like in the source material, but are brought down by bazooka shots from brave US army soldiers (but only after our hero points out they can be shot- did I mention this movie stinks?). I wouldn't put it past this dirty fucker to manipulate USA's xenophobia in order to make more people respond. To think I idolized this guy when I was a kid...
No comments:
Post a Comment