Oh, Thanos. You purple moron.
You're a con, pure bullshit. An established, overwhelming threat for so many movies. All your appearances used framing and cinematic language to double down on how tragic/awesome/dangerous you were supposed to be. And they got Josh Fucking Brolin to play you - that's a personality injection right there, and does wonders for your credibility.
Which is useful because we never really get a good sense of who you are or why you do it, just some vague bullshit about balance and a whiff of a tragic backstory. We just know you by what you're trying to achieve, and how far you go to achieve it.
So... let's talk about that - your plan, ok? Your genius plan.
Your great work, for which you sacrificed so much, in which you used up the mcguffins for several different films. Even if those pesky superheroes hadn't interfered, It wouldn't have lasted, you fucking idiot. A generation or two, tops. A blink in history, an infinitesimally small blip in geological terms, nothing on a cosmic scale.
I guess being an alien, no one bothered explaining this to you, but people like fucking. Although maybe you should know this, since Marvel seems to operate under Star Trek rules and aliens are just different colored people. Anyhow. Depopulations are followed by population booms. You know, as in baby boomers. People are just going to get it on more.
So, you didn't foresee this? OK, fair enough, you're insane or delusional to a degree that would actually affect your basic reasoning, though you're never portrayed that way. But none of the superheroes, some of which are supposed to be (despite all proof to the contrary presented in the events of Civil War) pretty smart cookies - they never mention this, or call you out on it? Even when they can't stop quipping about whatever crosses their minds?
Bull. Shit.
That's even before looking at how you actually went about doing it. You expended the stones to wish, if I understand it correctly, fifty percent of all life, determined at random, gone. Let's assume this 50% took place within each species. This includes animals, because that's how they figure out things are fixed in Endgame, and plants because Groot (never mind that all the forests we see in the movies that take place before the fingersnap is reversed look just fine.)
Let's also assume this includes rock-based, microbes, and other life forms, because this is Marvel, and there are Korgs and I'm sure nano-lifeforms, too.
We're talking mass extinctions, multiple. Ecosystems will collapse as they will suddenly find they no longer have a viable local population.
OK, OK. Let's say that the wish somehow keeps things so that the missing 50% has an even geographical distribution and most populations can hang on after such a drop. In for a penny and all that, it's a reasonable suspension of disbelief request for a superhero movie. Let's not go all hard sci-fi on this shit.
Magic hour lighting, Josh Brolin, an idyllic background, and a pose that says "I'm a tough antihero who just pulled off something amazing." Nope! You're just a fucking moron and you didn't do shit.
Still. You got free rein to rewrite the script for reality as it happens with a collection of artifacts with poorly-defined abilities... incidentally: face it, dude, if you had any smarts at all, no superhero would have even got close to you once you collected half of them. And yet you barely used them except in the most brute force of ways, because... damn the scripts for these movies are so fucking dumb. Fuckin Russos.
Anyhow, this is the best you could come up with. This is the masterplan it took you however many MCU movies to build up to.
Wiping both 50% of life in the universe, and 50% of the biological resources they consume, which is bound to be the biggest part of any given lifeform's consumer footprint.
That's not bringing balance, dumbass. You're basically keeping the same ratios; It's just an exercise in futility.
Still, we get that shot of you looking satisfied with your job:
You fucking idiot.
You could have played with reproduction rates to force sustainable populations. If you have a boner for murder, you could have done what you did, but have said "50% of intelligent life to be culled every x amount of time." You could have made resources self-replenishing. Any mix of these would have at least made your wish consistent with what you wanted, and some of them would have worked, kinda.
Or you could have wiped out all life, started again from scratch; you know, proper supervillain shit, not this half-assed idiocy.
I mean, I'm not an immortal, god-level intelligence (yet!) and I thought of most of these as I was watching these fucking movies. Just saying. Not that I'm smart, I'm saying that you're dumb; I'm explaining that because I think you're dumb. Stoopid.
But I guess any of these options would preclude a hilariously maudlin scene where Spidey slowly pops out of existence in slow motion at the most melodramatic possible moment, in the most melodramatic way possible. (I'm so glad I didn't watch this at the cinema, because that scene made me laugh out really, really loud.)
I guess it's kind of pointless to try to get through to you, though. I mean, you did think it was a perfectly good idea to do the whole 50% genocide thing in an analog fashion before you got the stones.
Going planet by planet, taking a force big enough to conquer entire populations and handle the ensuing genocide, killing half of everything, I guess? Let's be charitable and say you only killed sentients, though I wouldn't be surprised if there's an extra somewhere in the Infinity War blu-ray showing your troops shooting down alien bunnies and centipedes and trees on whatever planet it is they show you killing off half of the population. Or actually, it would be surprised- that'd take way more consistency and thinking than I'm willing to credit the writers of these movies with.
If you'd been doing that for a while (and I can only imagine how long it would take to organize random mass-murder on a planetary scale, even if after a few planets you had evolved an efficient industry around it that would have given the Nazi higher-ups raging murderboners) - as I was saying, if you'd been doing that for a while, it'd be easy to see just how unsuccessful your plan was, just go back to one of your previous stops. See how they're repopulating.
Just something for your science team to bring up at some point. Bet that'd be a fun meeting.
Anyhow. You did this all by hand, went artisanal with your depopulation plans for however many years. What's the carbon footprint of your genocidal spree, Mr. Balance? No suspension of disbelief is ever going to make this shit even remotely work - not even in a world where space travel is cheap and instantaneous, or where people shoot lasers out of their arse because they were bitten by a rabid unicorn.
Based on the fact you considered that a perfectly valid use of your time, your (mis-)use of the infinity stones is perfectly in-character, I guess.
Maybe you're just a genocidal maniac who doesn't really care about the sustainability, effectiveness, or even common sense of your plan. You're just straight up insane, and shoot any underling who questions you.
That's actually a fun take! I'd be completely on board with that, and it would make for a fun running gag as the avengers or whatever bring it up repeatedly. Except, no, that doesn't happen. The films, and the universe within them, completely buy into your bullshit. Because... well, let's not pretend the non-Thanos elements are worth a turrd-embedded peanut in any of the Russo films. They manage to cram a whole lot of heroes together, and that's their mission accomplished - logic, sense or narrative be damned. These movies run off excel sheets, not scripts.
Disney's banking on viewers having invested enough into these characters or the MCU itself, to find enough goodwill to overlook these things.
And lots of these things there are, but still lots of money these movies made, and almost universally beloved they are. So... good job, I guess? God I hate this universe.
I once played in a D&D game (I know, I know. Neeeerd! Shut up, you comic book character) where one of the players, after being injected with poison, made the following wish: "I wish all the liquid was taken out of my body, and deposited right there (pointing to a spot by his side.)
So, shockingly enough, yours isn't the most obviously dumb use of a wish I've ever heard. It also gets at least some points for ambition. Dumb, dumb ambition.
But you don't fool me, Thanos. I'm not drinking the purple kool-aid. You are a fucking moron and shame on anyone that posits you as a proper, or even a marginally acceptable villain.
It's almost as if you were just a plot necessity, a poorly made hook to hang a creaking, tangled mess of just as dumb plotlines on.
Fuck you and the fucking stupid movies you rode in on.
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