Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One

 For months on end before the release of the latest Mission Impossible, we were bombarded with featurettes on how Tom Cruise really had driven a motorcycle off a cliff in the alps. And good on him; The scene, in the final movie is a brilliant stunt, and knowing that there's very little trickery involved makes it that much more impressive. We've also found out since that that scene existed because Cruise really wanted to do it; the script in these movies is pretty malleable, so writer/director Christopher McQuarrie (along with co-writer Erik Jendresen) put things together so that it would happen.

 That makes so much sense to me. I've liked bits and pieces off a few of these latter Mission Impossibles - a stunt here, an action beat there - but if I have to be honest, I've found less and less to like about them as they've chugged along. To the point where I think the last few, including Dead Reckoning, are insufferable; Bloated, ponderous, poorly written messes, despite having a bunch of actors I really like playing likeable characters and some great action.

 And it's all down to these fucking pseudo-improvised scripts. They don't exist because someone wants to tell a story. They don't even exist because the franchise needs to continue, so people have sat down to figure out a story. They exist because Tom Cruise wants to drive a motorbike off a cliff; Everything else? Eh, we'll come up with something.

 The threat this time around is a rogue AI that's pretty much already infected all IT systems in the world. There's a neat sci fi conceit around how nothing electronic can be trusted - I'd be much more impressed if that hadn't been thoroughly explored elsewhere (it's a foundational event in the Cyberpunk RPG's history, for example- the societies there can't even be sure of how much of their own history has been rewritten!). All the nations are after two McGuffins that something something maybe control the AI or something, and one of the McGuffins just happens to be in the hands of Ilsa Faust (Rebecca Ferguson), a member of the Mission Impossible team. 

 The US sends Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and the rest of the MI team to recover it, which is a deeply stupid move given how many times he's gone rogue on them (they even joke about that - maybe instead of lampshading it they could, you know, not trust him in the fist place?). And they're all surprised when, oh no, he goes rogue again in the most flamboyant, ridiculous way posible. Because, this fucking script.
 That's just the premise and the first half hour or so of the movie. Then there's how the plot develops, which is basically a series of arbitrary "and then that just happens". Contrivances, coincidences, bullshit, clichés (let's have the hero choose which one of his friends he has to save!). It's all dumb, all the time - and even worse, boring. It's especially egregious when the AI opponent is supposed to be playing 4D chess against the protagonists.

 I wasn't invested in a single thing that happened in the whole movie; It's all arbitrary, nothing is thought through.

 You get the usual world-hopping collection of set pieces - the Abu Dhabi airport, Rome, Venice, the Orient Express. A ridiculously attractive thief (Haley Atwell) gets embroiled and there's lots of chases, stunts, etc - but not nearly enough to make up for all the fucking ponderous conversations where everyone just keeps posturing and hyping up how critical shit is and Fuck. This. Script. I hoped against hope that the positive reviews and the seemingly lighter tone meant that hey, maybe this one would be different... but no. Even the action scenes are stretched until wear out their welcome; Why the hell did anyone feel this movie needed to be more than two hours and a half long?

 I did find some things to like: mainly new sub-villain Pom Klementieff, who's introduced trying to run down our heroes and looks like she's really having fun doing it; Good for her, at least someone's having a good time.
 I also laughed at a bit where her sociopath boss Gabriel (Esai Morales) screamed "Ethaaaaan!" when foiled. That was a fun action movie moment; I'd have preferred he scream the full name, but I'll take it.

 Some of the action beats are cool even if the scenes around them ramble on and on; McQuarrie knows his way around an action movie, even when he seems to have lost all sense for pacing. A couple of the fights in cramped spaces were nice, and a swordfight on a bridge over a venetian canal was pretty atmospheric. The finale with a derailed train on its own almost threatens to make the movie not be a complete waste of time. Almost.

 It really bothers me because, on paper, I should love this. Reminds me of my father complaining about the stuff I used to watch as a kid; I guess I can rest easy that for now it's only a few franchises I've really soured on: this, the Fast and Furiouses (post 5) and any Marvel movies by the Russos. I'm not that far gone yet.