I'd ignored The Devil's Conspiracy for a while, thinking of its overtly weird, batshit premise as a sort of gimmick - something like, say, Sharknado, a bit of imaginative flair to draw the jaded modern b-movie punters. Then I noticed Shudder got it for their lineup, and that made me wonder if the movie might actually be worthwhile; Their curators usually have an eye for stuff that, even when I don't like it, I find at least interesting.
Well... whatever they saw in it, I completely missed it. I have no idea if this inane, amorphous blob of bullshit is cynical or sincere (I tend to think the former), but earnest or not it's a terrible fucking movie with precious little to recommend it. Yes, it's so bad that it made me laugh a few times. Yes, describing why it's bad is going to make it sound kind of awesome. Such is the way of these things.
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Here we see the devil fetus climbing out of the ultrasound monitor like Sadako. Ugh, I'm not doing a good job of not selling this, am I? |
In case you don't know, the premise for this movie is that a bunch of devil worshippers steal the shroud of Turin to get Jesus's DNA so they can build a baby whose frame is strong enough to hold Lucifer, who was chained in hell by the archangel Michael at the dawn of time. That's shown at the prologue, by the way - Lucifer quotes Milton's famous line as he's imprisoned, of course (or I guess he improvises it, and Milton later somehow hears of it) - but that's a good early indicator of the movie's pervasively shoddy writing, since it's not really hell at that point, nor does he have anyone else to reign over.
The plot built around that doozie of an inciting event is that a hunky Italian priest (Joe Doyle) gets killed trying to prevent the robbery of the shroud. As he lays dying he invokes the archangel Michael to come over and set things aright. As you do. So he gets possessed by dour old mick and basically becomes a superhero.
Oh, and an American art student (Alice Orr-Ewing) gets kidnapped at the same time; You never know when Satan is going to need a body to incubate his new Jesus body.
What follows is ostensibly a mixture between a Marvel movie and Dan Brown. It's certainly as brain-dead as Dan Brown (or the worst of MCU, for that case), but the script by one Ed Alan finds a fresh way to dumb things down up by getting completely lost after some pretty basic action shenanigans - and it never really recovers. Instead we get endless scenes of people spouting drivel/exposition at each other or belabouring uninteresting character dynamics, dumb plot developments, and powerless people getting monologued to death by moustache-twirling cartoon villains. (The acting ranges from serviceable to atrocious, but the villains are uniformly awful.)
Worse yet, when our protagonists inevitably free themselves, the film's modest budget and an aversion to have any decent action whatsoever conspire to prevent absolutely anything interesting from happening. That's often the case with these things - put a crazy, eye-catching premise, and then bore your viewers to death. Also, the dialogue features several extremely clunky lines that made me think that it could have benefitted from a couple of passes from a native English speaker. (Hey, just like this blog!)
The writing and plotting are bad enough that when you see that the scriptwriter is also the producer, and that these are their only two credits... well, it's hard to avoid drawing conclusions.
The themes are hammered early and hammered strong. There are a couple of discussions about whether demons and angels are abstract forces or actual entities that's so on the nose I started to fear that the Louvin Brothers would come on the soundtrack like they did at the end of Dark Match. Oh, and because I failed spectacularly to bring it up last time, I have to share their infamous album cover for it:
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You're welcome! |
Later, the conflict between faith and science is basically literalized. This is a movie that works really hard to earn the right to be called dumbass.
As for the good bits... well, director Nathan Frankowski has a certain visual flair, although his style is pretty unoriginal, murky, and he can't shoot action worth shit. There's a little bit of well-realized gore (the film had to get a horror tag somehow), and a couple moments of levity indicate that the people behind it aren't so far up their own arseholes that they can't crack a couple of jokes; I mean, the archangel-possessed priest almost immediately finds a cool leather trench coat to wear, and it's played in at least a slightly self-aware way.
The best laughs, though, are completely unintended. There's a head-stomping scene that's so ill advised, so poorly acted and framed, that it had me in stitches. The perpetrator later glugs down a bottle of chlorine, which sounds like it'd be President Trump's second favorite COVID cure, and deploys caustic amniotic fluids. The best part? After watching all that madness, a jealous villain mutters, solemnly, "That should have been me." And I can't tell if we're supposed to think it's exposing the inner working of that character's psyche or howl with laughter. Again, I suspect it's the the former, which just makes it funnier..
Diabolic fetuses will never be not hilarious, and there's a staggeringly fragrant example of that here (see the first capture above). Veteran character actor James Faulkner is non-plussed when he meets archangel Michael in the flesh, and it's pretty funny that he's on a first-name basis with him (though, to be fair, it's impossible to be anything else).
Oh, and at the end a little kid bullies Satan's soul by letting him out of his nose and then inhaling him back... like a kid letting his spit dangle before sucking it back in. And that, ladies, gentlemen and otherkin, that is the fucking climax of the movie!
Yeah, yeah, spoilers. Honestly, in this particular case, I couldn't give a shit.
Seriously, fuck this movie. It has the courage of its batshit convictions, at least, but all that means is that we get a self-serious pile of steaming turds instead of a smart-alecky mound of the same. And once it runs out of steam within the first half, it becomes another bog-standard snoozefest of a mockbuster that is perfectly content just wasting time and doesn't even build up to anything remotely exciting.
I feel like locking the gate here and setting a flaming sword on top of it to keep people away, but I fear I'm just lighting a beacon for the 'so bad it's good' crowd. It's not, but I understand... and who knows? Maybe you'll get more out of it than I did.