What can you say about a film that's supposed to be based on the 'real' man behind the King Arthur legend, but does not make the least effort to portray the medieval mindset?
I can buy it if it's a fantasy flick, but in films like this one or Braveheart, it fucking revolts me. The film borrows authority from a beginning quote that vaguely states that according to 'archeological evidence', the man named Arthur probably did exist. Then it introduces at least two characters that look like they stepped right out of a coiffeur. Turns out that the realism claims are, oh surprise, a gimmick, and that the film is yet another cynic attempt to cash in on the success of the Lord of the Rings franchise (joining the ranks of Timeline and Troy). Worse yet- The one motherfucker I would like to see eaten alive by baby rats, Mr Brucken-Shiteater-heimer, is lining his pockets with this crap.
In any case, the movie is about the titular Arthur, Official representative for the American Way of Life in the dark ages, and how he is forced by the snotty and colonialist legions of Rome into one last mission deep into the wilds beyond Hadrian's wall. Historic inaccuracies aside (I would normally ignore them, but hey- the movie started it by claiming to be validated by archeologists), the movie is a mess of uninspired performances, cliches, and just bad scripting.
It looks beautiful, though, and not just because of Keira Knightley; but that's something that's been bugging me since watching Hero and the Last Samurai. Namely, that cinematographic beauty (as in aesthetics, color schemes, etc) has come to be relied on as much as other bad movies rely on CGI; Hero in particular, wants to make you believe that the silly, stupid soap opera crap that passes for a plot is art because, well, it sure is pretty crap. So no, I'm not falling for it anymore, this movie takes itself far too seriously for individual scenes to make me ignore the essential crappiness at its core.
And what the hell is up with Clive Owen? forget that none of the cast can summon up one dreg of charisma, that asshole is all but channeling Nicholas Cage! It's a bit disturbing.
Just about the only thing in this movie worth the celluloid, except for some bloody scenes, is Stellan Skarsgard as the terrifically sociopathic Saxon leader. I was actually hoping for a standard hollywood tragic ending just to see him hacking that fucking zero-charisma Arthur into little pieces; that would have meant that I would have had to watch the other underdeveloped cypher, lancelot kill him in turn, but at least he had a two-dimensional character.
Finally, I'd like to say that this rant was fueled by the director's cut edition. Not that the original cut could conceivably be even halfway decent.
Oh, and please, someone please kill that fucker of a producer before I'm suckered into watching another one of his fucking excrements. And Antoine Fucqua: Training Day was overrated as hell.
2 comments:
You should have bashed the history inaccuracies more. I hated the fact that these people with French- or Celtic-sounding names actually came from the Caucasus and would yell "Rus!" I hated those Celt+Pict-fused guys of which Keira Knightley was a warrior-queen(?). Whatever. What a piece of trash. And I went to see it to the theatre... and... the girl that took me to see it didn't even kiss me for the effort. Pure crap!
Well ranted!
Just to clarify: I do like some of the other movies you ruthlessly bash (such as Hero), but, what the heck, it's your blog, not mine.
Well, they do explain in the beggining that they were taken from far away, and from what they hint (and their battlecry), they're slavic. This also fits in with the fact that their bows outrange the norse ones, and other details. No idea about their names, but it sounds like script sloth. Anyhoo, I suspect that the hack who wrote this turd knew or researched something about history, he just shat on historic fact to bow to hollywood conventions.
And never underestimate Mr Bruckenheimer's evil, slimy, smegm-covered hand.
One thing that did piss me off is that picts only wore blue paint when they went to battle... dammit, why didn't they respect just that fact for this movie?? I might even have turned in a positive review!
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