There's a certain temerity in calling your movie "Botched", as if you were looking out at the audience and calling them out, daring them to make the obvious joke. Especially if it's an extremely low-budget horror/comedy with pantomime leanings, which is what I'd call a high-risk proposition.
The title is explained away in the first few minutes: Richie (Stephen Dorff) successfully pulls off a heist at an auction house, only to be foiled by two accidents which leave him limping away and his loot scattered on the street. His irate boss (Sean Pertwee) sends him on another job to make amends: To steal a bejewelled crucifix from a huge building in Moscow.
First impressions aren't bad; The plain cinematography and lackluster credit titles make it look like a TV Movie, but the gliding camerawork does a good job of first presenting the location of the heist, then the crime itself and the crew's exit from the premises. Sure, there's some very crappy slow motion and inexplicable speed ramps (always a warning sign), but director Kit Ryan is at least putting in an effort.
Things quickly go to shit when Richie gets to Russia. And I mean that both within and without the film itself. First off, Richie is partnered with a pair of obviously incompetent local thugs - Peter (Jamie Foreman) and Yuri (Russell Smith). Peter, in particular, is a psycho who murders someone during the robbery, but worse than that, Foreman plays him with manic relish and a deeply suspect stereotypical Russian accent that would make the Russian agents in Rocky and Bullwinkle die of embarrassment.
His every line delivery is so forced it drains any situation he's in of any possible humour, even when the jokes seem like they would work on paper - it's a deeply embarrassing performance that I can't see working unless you're very young, extremely forgiving, or, ahem, chemically predisposed to liking it.
The first example of this is when he tries to keep the lift the criminals are using to escape clear of other people, and they just ignore him. There's a kernel of a funny idea there, but Foreman's mugging and exaggerated frustration make it more cringeworthy than anything else.
The lift breaks down, leaving Richie, his accomplices and a bunch of bystanders in an empty, derelict floor. At first they think security discovered the murder/robbery, but then they start getting killed in colourful ways by a deranged serial killer who uses the floor as his own personal hunting ground. A killing floor, if you will.
And that's where it becomes clear that Peter is not the only vaudeville reject in the cast: most of the survivors are one-joke idiots whose main method of joke delivery is mugging shamelessly for the cameras.
This also applies to the slasher (Zak Maguire), who's introduced twirling like a blood-spattered Dee Dee from Dexter's Lab, and overacts like a motherfucker. At least he's having fun, I guess?
The film follows suit with its stylistic choices and the places it goes. There's what I can only describe as wacky hijinks galore. I think it's going for a live-action cartoon feel, but the thing it most consistently reminded me of is the tacky TV comedy of the 70s and early 80s; Mostly Benny Hill, thanks to all the sped-up sequences. Or, to be much less charitable, the Star Wars Holiday Special due to the pantomime acting and jokes.
OK, that's (slightly) unfair - mainly because there really are a couple of decent jokes in the script (by Raymond and Eamon Friel and Derek Boyle). Not many, and most are ruined by the delivery, but it does buy the film some goodwill.
And some of the so-bad-it's-good stuff actually works; I'm partial to an extremely poorly made, Caddyshack-like rat muppet that gets a surprising amount of plot relevance and stars in one of the best gags.
There's a lot of gore, too, and the special effects are outstanding compared to everything else. There's severed limbs and heads, impalements, lots of corpses, a good fire stunt - good stuff, even when they pair one of the impalements with disco music because... well, maybe it'll be funny? (It isn't.)
No matter; Soon the cheesy Casiotone soundtrack (by Tom Green) will kick in again, and we're back to amateur hour.
The acting is atrocious. even for the people who play it straight; The requisite love interest (Bronagh Gallagher) runs all her lines through a truly atrocious accent. It's all so bad it actually makes Dorff's committed performance look pretty good - and let's face it, he's never been the best actor out there (and I say this with a lot of affection).
It pains me to say it, because it could have worked, maybe - but it's just a deeply shitty movie with many inexplicable, terrible-looking choices. It happens, I guess. They went full ham hoping for cult immortality... and fucked it up. If only there were a word I could use to encapsulate that.
(The film is a joint production between Germany, UK, Ireland and the US, with most countries represented in the cast - I went with UK for its nationality as that's where the director is from.)